I have had the ѕhits horrible for days now. In fact, I'm typing while on a bedpan. Any remedies to suggest?

I mean, I just can't get the web cam set up to take in all the action, and if I don't deliver what the scat-lovers want, I don't get paid and then Maury isn't getting anything in his easter basket. How can I work it so that not one precious toot is lost on my live feed?