Mascara or ??????????????

My eye lashes are long but blonde.You can not see them .Now do not laugh but I tried coloring them with an el marko no go :( :( :( SIGH.Well I just got this great idea.I am going to paint my eye lash wand with black nail polish.I am going to put vasaline under my eye and above my eye for protection.Do not try to talk me out of it.I am hell bent.I live in Indiana from California In Cali You have to look like Miss Hollywood .Here everyone is so kicked back.Mascara is such a pain in the pa toot for me to put on I am spoiled not wearing it for 5 years.Well if this does not work I will keep trying .Hair dye did not work.:( :( :( Any other ideas ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? ?Fake eye lashes is not an option :( :( :(